The Artur Good Goalkeeping

First of all, I would like to apologise for my lack of blogging activity in the last few weeks. It has been pretty manic Down Under, what with the new revolving door policy towards Prime Ministers in the Australian government and the upcoming Rugby World Cup Final, it nearly went unnoticed that Europe is caught in the grip of an uncontrollable “migrant crisis”. If I am honest, I am not too sure what all the fuss is about, as we saw a similar influx of foreigners when we sold Gareth Bale to Real Madrid 2 years ago! Nevertheless, I came to the conclusion that the majority of my fan base would be so pre-occupied with stopping these nomadic hordes from stealing their jobs/national identity/hubcaps, that they wouldn’t have much time for my casually racist musings on all things Spurs. That and the fact that the team haven’t won a match in quite a while. In fact, we appear to be drawing more than Rolf Harris at the moment…..which is quite a lot (all things considered) as there are very few non-homosexual things that an 85 year old man can do in prison nowadays. Or so I am told. With this in mind, before I talk about our crushing victory over the mighty AFC Bournemouth, I would like to take a minute to be serious and discuss this impending human catastrophe that is currently unfolding in the Middle East and beyond. Now, I understand that there are many different views on this issue and even more on the potential solutions but I must admit that I have been fairly removed from all of these talking points. However, being European my manager thought that this would make me an authority on the subject and recently took me to one side and asked me for my opinions on Syria. I told him that despite Inter Milan’s recent recruitment drive, I couldn’t see past Roma or Juventus for the title. He didn’t get it. My gags are totally wasted on Australians. Plus I now have a meeting with HR on Monday…..I think I might open with a joke.

Russia has recently announced that they will intensify their bombing campaign of syria. I suppose that is what you get for playing such defensive football.

Anyway, I should probably write something about Spurs, before Nigel Farage approaches me to be his new propaganda minister. And where better to start than the 5-1 annihilation of Bournemouth on Sunday afternoon. Enjoyable though the victory was, it is hard to see beyond the utterly slapstick goalkeeping from Bournemouth’s very own little immigrant, Artur Boruc. I genuinely haven’t seen a Pole suck like that since the liberation of Warsaw in 1945. Nevertheless, this was a good time to be playing the newly promoted minnows as they had just come off the back of a 5-1 thrashing by Manchester City and appear to be running out of players who don’t have knees that are crafted exclusively out of string and belly button lint. That and the fact that they seem to be managed by the Milky Bar Kid (true story, Eddie Howe was the Milky Bar Kid. Look it up). Despite this, we didn’t get off to the best of starts as Danny Rose’s latest attempt to defend via telepathy saw us go a goal down inside of two minutes. Thankfully, this was the only incident in an otherwise leisurely stroll on the South Coast. Harry Kane scored a vitally important and confidence boosting hat-trick, whilst Erik Lamela and Mousa Dembele continued to impress with a goal apiece. The returning Eric Dier offered increasing stability in midfield whilst Christian Eriksen pulled the strings and made us tick with some wonderful passing. Despite all of these fine individual performances, it was that man Boruc who stole the show. Not only for his Heurelho Gomes-esque cameo but because according to Opta he was one of the most productive players on the pitch. Over the 90 minutes, he managed to provide three inch-perfect assists, two for Harry Kane, and generally ran the defenders ragged. His own defenders mostly. But we aren’t complaining. And whilst we are on the subject of highlighting examples of gross incompetence, it would be remiss of me not to mention the other big Spurs(ish) news to come out of this weekend…..

……Tactics Tim is no more. Our beloved and outspoken former Caretaker Manager/travelling Gillet salesman has been unceremoniously fired from his most recent 8-month stint in management, this time by struggling Aston Villa. Now I have nothing against Tim Sherwood per se and he undoubtedly brings a certain amount of personality to the game….even if that’s where it ends. And in all honesty, it’s hard not to harbor some form of perverse appreciation for a man who exhibits such pigheaded stubbornness and inflexibility, even in the face of such overwhelming adversity, that it would make Sir Douglas Haig blush. But to be fair, we should give Sherwood credit where it is due. He is a man of integrity and he has a very rigid footballing philosophy, which essentially dictates that attack is the best form of defence. Unless of course (and this was his undoing), you cannot defend. In which case, from my experience, defence is generally the best form of defence! But never mind, I am sure that this recent setback will make Tim Sherwood a stronger person and more importantly, he will learn from his mistakes…..or not as the case may be.

Tim sherwood: Not very good

Predictably, our next league game comes against the now manager-less Aston Villa. So let’s hope that we can continue in our rich vein of form and/or Brad Guzan is in an equally generous mood. At the very least we have to hope that Tim’s tactical master-classes are still fresh in the mind of his former charges and we can overload their solitary centre back. Of course, I am sure that after all this I will have to write a groveling apology when Villa beat us at home to claim only their second win of the season. But until that time, I hope that everybody in Europe stays safe and that the majority of what we are reading in the papers is just sensationalist media hype. And even if it is not, let’s try to look on the bright side. I read a really remarkable story in The Guardian recently, of a middle aged man who had lost his job and been persecuted in his own country. So he fled under the cover or darkness and somehow found safe passage to England, in search of new opportunities and a new life. They caught up with him recently and even though he currently lives in a shit hole and works a job that many would feel is beneath them, he is finally happy. Isn't that just a heart warming tale? So with that in mind, please join me in welcoming Jurgen Klopp to Liverpool.

Jurgen klopp: One of the lucky few