Lies, damn lies & statistics

This statement pretty much sums up Tottenham’s season, in my eyes. Certainly in regard to the way that we have been portrayed by an alarmingly bi-polar British media. Ever since Christmas, Spurs fans have been forced to endure two very specific, yet surprisingly contradictory party lines. On the one hand, you have the increasingly negative and destabilising rumours surrounding all of our top players…and weirdly, Moussa Sissoko. On the other hand, you have the proliferation of an increasingly impressive set of statistics, that would suggest that on paper at least, we are the best team in the league. In the eyes of the media, we are seemingly doomed to failure or the best thing since sliced bread…yet nothing in between. In hindsight, perhaps “bi-polar” was an unfair label for those loveable rogues who claim to be journalists….maybe schizophrenic would be more apt. Because if you believe everything that you read in the papers, it seems that 50% of our squad will end up in the blue half of Manchester next season, the other 50% will end up in the red half and what’s left will be demanding a 200% pay rise just for the privilege of sticking around and slumming it in the Champions League. However, Daniel Levy has already said that we will not be selling anyone that we don’t want to sell and quite frankly, who are we to question him? After all, he was the one who bought Mauricio Pochettino in to our lives. So instead, I am choosing to ignore all of the damn lies and focus instead on the positives, which are of course, those very impressive statistics…..

Media coverage of Tottenham this season: #fakenews

1)   Firstly, and most importantly, we went the entire season unbeaten at White Hart Lane for the first time in 52 years. What a fitting send off for such a historic venue, after 118 years of loyal service. Much as it hurts to see the unnecessarily graphic images of the Lane being demolished, we couldn’t have asked for a more poetic way to say goodbye to the old gal.

2)   Now lets look at the numbers. We managed to score the most goals in the league, concede the least and as such, easily had the best goal difference across 38 games. In fact, our goal difference of +60 for the 2016/17 season was higher than our combined goal difference between 1991 and 2012…which is a mind boggling statistic, when you think about it. Unfortunately, the only area in which Chelsea outperformed us was in the number of points won…..bugger, trust Spurs to lose out on a technicality!

3)   Harry Kane is now officially a hat-trick machine. Aside from becoming the first Spurs player to score 20 goals in three consecutive seasons since the legendary Jimmy Greaves, he has now also scored more Premier League hat-tricks than Ronaldo, Bergkamp, Zola, Costa and Cantona combined! He also has as many hat-tricks as Wayne Rooney, having played 75% less games and molested 100% less grannies, so that’s reassuring on several fronts.

4)   We ended the season with three players scoring 20+ goals for the first time in our history. The players in question were of course Harry Kane, Dele Alli and Heung-min Son. This is a feat that wasn't even matched by any of the Arsenal Invincibles or the Man Utd treble winning team of 1999. In fact, these three players combined actually scored more goals this season than most Premier League teams did in total!

5)   In beating Leicester City 6-1, we recorded the highest ever away victory in Tottenham history. Three days later, we broke it again by beating Hull 7-1 at the KCOM Stadium. Essentially, we scored more league goals in the last 4 days of the season than Manchester Utd scored in the last 2 months.

Hull City Tigers: They're Greeeeaaat.......at being shit

But that is enough of the stats for now….I am starting to feel a little like Rainman. So, let’s focus on the final two games instead. After last seasons debacle, part of me was worried that the emotion of losing the title to West Ham and saying farewell to White Hart Lane may well have been too much for the players to take. However, rather than self-destruct and go all “Spursy” like we did last year, we went in the exact opposite direction! The players were quite clearly demob-happy and as a result, put Leicester to the sword with ruthless efficiency. Harry Kane proved once and for all to Jamie Vardy that whilst form is temporary, class is most definitely permanent. He bagged an impressive four goals against the Champions, whilst at the same time extracting a satisfying measure of revenge on Leicester for last years antics. We then carried on up the M1 to the city of culture, to face the Hull City Tigers in the final game of the season. Having only been to Hull once in my life, I think it is safe to say that the only culture they can boast is the sort that is grown in petri dishes. Anyway, we summarily smashed them into submission, with Harry Kane grabbing another three, as we ended the season with a 7-1 victory. If he carries on at this rate, he is going to need to buy a new house, just to have somewhere to store all his match balls!!!

As if the final day of the season couldn’t get any sweeter, whilst we were dismantling Hull, John Terry was in the process of embarrassing himself at Stamford Bridge. After 19 years of loyal service, the Chelsea captain was finally hanging up his boots to focus on what is really important to him….which I would imagine is racism and adultery. Despite what everyone else has said on the matter, I think the 26th minute guard of honour was actually a pretty smart move on his behalf. If you can think of a better way to get 64 uninterrupted minutes with your team-mates wives, I would love to hear it. Ah, John Terry, scumbag to the bitter end. But that's not all. We were also able to enjoy the Arsenal fans misery as they missed out on the Champions League for the first time in 18 years…..although I actually think it is the Bayern Munich fans who will be more upset at this result! Despite beating Everton 3-1, results elsewhere meant it was too little, too late and ultimately, Aaron Ramsey ended up killing Roger Moore for nothing....such a waste. And much as I cannot wait to see Robbie and Troopz trying to produce an episode of Arsenal TV away to Legia Warsaw, with a group of Ultras breathing down their necks, let's spare a thought for poor old Gunnersaurus. This is a guy who somehow managed to survive the extinction of his entire species, only to have to put up with Arsene Wenger's shit every season. No wonder he always looks so sad. So all in all, a pretty perfect end to the season for Spurs…probably the best in my lifetime. And even though we didn’t manage to win a trophy, I think we should all take solace in the wise old words of our very own Bill Nicholson: “It is better to fail aiming high than to succeed aiming low. And we of Spurs have our sights very high, so high in fact that even failure will have in it an echo of glory”. He has been dead for 13 years yet still manages to offer a more insightful commentary than Jamie Redknapp! And if that didn’t lift your spirits sufficiently ahead of next season, you can rest assured that in an increasingly uncertain world of media bias, propaganda and #fakenews, at least the statistics never lie…..COYS

Gunnersaurus: Sure, I am alive.....but why?