There's more to life than just football....apparently

Or is there? As the world continues to descend into some sort of post-apocalyptic Mad Max style dystopia, where we suddenly find ourselves at the mercy of our new Netflix and Uber Eats overlords, I have become increasingly thankful that I took the conscious decision to self-isolate myself from the rest of the world a long time ago, when I moved to Australia. You know….before self-isolation became cool. However, the hardest part of making this transition, aside from being so far away from my family, was being so far away from football and in particular, Tottenham. Thankfully, despite the fact that Australia has a national broadband infrastructure that ranks marginally below that of Romania, we still live in a relatively technologically advanced age and I have been able to watch 90% of the games, even if it does mean staying up until 3am in the morning to endure another Jose Mourinho defensive masterclass….where we only lose 3-0 at home to a mid-table team. Regardless, I have managed to stay connected to everything that I left behind and for the most part, it has made the world a significantly less lonely place.

So, as you can imagine, when the Premier League followed in the footsteps of the other major European Leagues (and Scotland) by suspending all professional games due to the ongoing COVID-19 crisis…..I had never felt more self-isolated in all my life. Not even the purchase of a limited edition “Special Onesie” from the Club shop succeeded in lifting my spirits….although it did make me unnecessarily rude and obnoxious towards my colleagues. Say what you like about Daniel Levy, the guy certainly knows how to exploit a global crisis! Anyway, there have been many people on social media pointing out that they didn’t realise how much of a role football played in their lives until it was cruelly taken away from them….but I knew. I have always known. Football has been pretty much the only constant in my life, for as long as I can remember. If I wasn’t playing football, I was reading about football, talking about football, playing football related computer games and sometimes even dreaming about football. There were times, back when I was quite clearly single and not so ready to mingle, when I would be watching Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday, whilst simultaneously playing Championship Manager on the laptop, checking my Fantasy Football team online and texting my friends/dad about Chris Kamara’s latest update from The Britannia Stadium. Simpler times. But now, almost overnight, football has been surgically removed from our lives and we have been forced to see the world for what it really is……boring. And deadly, apparently. But mostly boring.

The Special Onesie: Be the envy of your co-workers by quarantinIng in stylE & comfort. AVailable now, in all Good sports shoPs….and some Rubbish ones, too.

Just like almost every other man on the planet right now, I suddenly had a decision to make. Either I bit the bullet, accepted my fate and decided to spend more time with my wife, doing the things that seem to keep her happy, like housework and cooking…..or I could venture into the unknown. I could become a modern-day Francis Drake, exploring the previously unchartered frontiers of Aussie sports in search of a new life…..maybe even a better life. I just needed to find something to replace the giant football shaped void that had suddenly and unexpectedly appeared in my life. It was kind of like Sophie’s Choice….except much easier to make and virtually no children got murdered in the process. Needless to say, I kissed the wife good bye and started my metaphorical expedition the very next morning. And having already lost over $300 betting on the incredibly unpredictable and suspiciously corrupt Azerbaijani Supreme League (yes – they really called it that), the decision really couldn’t have come soon enough.

With no actual football to speak of, it appears that Sky Sports News have resorted to announcing which footballers have tested positive for the Coronavirus, in some sort of macabre re-imagining of Transfer Deadline Day!

Now, one of my favourite things about living in Australia is that we are very old fashioned and a little bit behind the times (The Matrix was only recently released in cinemas, earlier in the year). Admittedly, this isn’t great when it comes to fighting a highly advanced, world-wide pandemic but it’s pretty awesome if you enjoy stubbornly ignoring the news and/or burying your head in the sand. Which is probably why we have such a large Emu population. Anyway, I had plenty of different options to choose from when it came to selecting my new favourite hobby, as Australia is ground zero for the sort of wild and wacky “sports” that seem to be just about engaging enough to keep people from murdering each other at the weekend but not quite engaging enough for people to really care about what happens…..which is just the right amount of engagement for what I had in mind. Unsurprisingly, this little experiment took me on an illuminating cultural journey across the sporting landscape of this little island that I now call home. These are my stories: 

Football: This is a surprisingly misleading title, as it is not football at all. It is Rugby. As with most things in Australia, it does the exact opposite of what it says on the tin. Needless to say, if I want to watch a bunch of overweight Aussies knock seven shades of shit out of each other before rolling around on the floor for 10 minutes, I only need to pop down to my local supermarket in search of toilet paper. However, credit where it is due, it did look very much like this was the only code that has been taking the whole COVID-19 crisis seriously, as stadiums up and down the country were empty, with all games essentially played behind closed doors. However, after a little bit of research on the matter, it would appear that if the fans are truly self-isolating themselves, then they had been doing it for a good ten years prior to the COVID-19 crisis. Trailblazers, if anything.

Australian Rules Football: This is another misleading title, if I am honest. Contrary to the supposed name of the sport, I am fairly certain that this game doesn’t have any rules at all. From what I can tell, the players just seem to make it up as they go along and hope for the best. After 10 minutes of watching what I can only describe as “organised chaos”, I saw one guy shamelessly clothesline another in full view of the referee, another player score some points for kicking the ball close to the goal (but not in the goal) and three apparent ACL injuries, all from losing their balance whilst trying to climb on to the shoulders of an opposing player. I have no idea how the game ended, as I switched over to the shopping channel for something a little more mundane and predictable. My best guess is that they probably introduced some sort of weaponised grizzly bear at the beginning of the third quarter, just to spice things up a little bit. Idiots.

Aussie Rules Football: It’s basically just a modern day EQUIVALENT of the Hunger games, ONLY all of the players HAVE BEEN styled by the cast of queer eye for the straight guy.

A-League Soccer: At least this sport was familiar and in no way, misleading. Unfortunately, the standard is akin to watching a group of 8 year old’s kick a deflated football around an empty car park….and there would probably still be more spectators in the car park. I have to admit, I did try to get into A-League Soccer many years ago, when we first moved to the country. I went along to a Sydney FC game, as they had just signed a 38-year-old Alessandro Del Piero from Juventus. However, after 90 minutes of watching the opposing centre backs hoof the ball back and forth to each other, whilst the fans sang songs about wanting to waltz with some bird called Matilda down at the Billabong store, I was already over it. Even now, with the likes of Del Piero and Heskey long gone, this is a league where former Football Manager goal machine and Bolton Wanderers veteran, Adam Le Fondre is deemed to be a god amongst men. I may love football….but I don’t love it that much. Back to the drawing board.

Cricket: Nah. Just nah.

So there you have it. No matter how hard I try, life just isn’t the same without football….certainly not if you are stuck in Australia, anyway. After the way Spurs ended last season, I couldn’t wait to see the back of 2019 but so far, 2020 has given us nothing but bushfires, floods and now, it would seem, a plague. If we lived in biblical times, I would be starting to worry. And with the benefit of hindsight, even when Spurs were losing every single game over the last couple of weeks, at least we had something to discuss and to get passionate about. What I wouldn’t give for a controversial VAR decision or an unnecessarily petulant Mourinho tantrum right about now. But to no avail. It seems that I must accept that football wont be coming home anytime soon, which means I have no choice but to spend more quality time with my beautiful wife and “take our relationship to the next level”….her words, not mine. Quite how watching Married at First Sight together on the sofa and drinking Lambrini will help to achieve that, I have no idea. But I suppose that like millions of men the world over, I will just have to trust in the process. And you will be pleased to know that it’s not all doom and gloom…..tonight she has decided that we will be making Coq au Vin together as a couple. Kill me…..kill me now.

meanwhile, self isolation appears to be going exactly as expected in the Mourinho household…….